This author’s wedding was like the Warriors last title

In my relationships, I look for the four principles that Golden State Warriors coach Steve Kerr espouses. Joy. Compassion. Mindfulness. And competition, like to see who can write the nicest card, walk the dog the longest, or in very rare occasions, shut down five-time NBA All-Star Jayson Tatum.

So it’s not a surprise that when I got married this past Saturday, I thought of how the marriage related to another improbable quest for a ring: The Warriors’ 2022 championship. Here’s are some of the eerie similarities between the two June triumphs.

People thought our team was too old

Look, I’m no spring chicken but then again, neither was Steph Curry in the summer of 2022. But unlike the Warriors front office in the past two seasons, I managed to find a number two who could help me extend my romantic prime. Honestly, my wife is the Steph Curry, and I’m more of an Andrew Wiggins type who once had all kinds of promise, disappointed a lot of people, then rounded into shape just in time to get a ring.

Also like Wiggins, I once fractured my rib playing basketball. He collided with LeBron James, while I hurt myself trying to take a charge playing pickup against a professional actor and dancer named Reign.

Key figures shook off injuries to come through

Klay Thompson came back from a torn ACL and a torn Achilles to help the Warriors win it all in 2022. My mom got out of her wheelchair to dance with me on the mother-son dance. It was a great moment of redemption, but she didn’t think it was funny that I kept whispering that I was going to dip her.

People thought it was a mistake that I paid my mother nearly $38 million to attend my wedding, but the Splash Mother was 100% worth it.

We overcame ejections

Draymond Green was kicked out of a second-round game against the Memphis Grizzlies for two flagrant fouls. Two weeks before the wedding, I was kicked out of a bar for being flagrantly intoxicated, though I did not kick anyone in the junk. I’ll have more to say about this on my podcast.

Otto Porter Junior

My cousin named her puppy “Otto Porter Junior” after the Warriors’ stellar backup forward. He didn’t attend the actual wedding, but I looked at some photos of him the night before.

Not stopped by the Suns

We were worried the weather might be unpleasantly hot, but just like the Dallas Mavericks did in the second round of the 2022 playoffs, the mild Central Coast climate ensured that we didn’t have to deal with a dangerous Sun offensive.

Plenty of rebounds

More than one guest was dealing with a recent breakup going into the wedding weekend, and more than one of them has since scheduled a date with someone they met during the festivities. That’s not quite double-digit rebounds, but look, I never said I was the Kevon Looney of matchmaking.

A brother-in-law was involved

Damion Lee was a backup guard for the Warriors, who provided some outside shooting and steady work off the bench, but whose main qualification was being married to Steph Curry’s sister. My own little sister’s brother performed our wedding ceremony, with his main qualification being a ministerial certificate obtained from the Universal Life Church. My brother-in-law did a great job, but only had to talk for about eight minutes, the same amount of time that Lee played during the 2022 Finals.

Night Night

I don’t want to besmirch the fine manufacturers of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky, nor the music of Mr. International himself, Pitbull. But when someone at the wedding comes out with a tray of Fireball, a lot of people are going to end up going to sleep on their own folded hands and wave “Night Night” to the rest of the guests.

We had a Poole party

When older people needed a break, we were lucky enough to have a hotel pool, just like the Warriors had a Poole to give their guards a break. Sure, it got crowded at times, but in true Jordan Poole fashion, there was plenty of turnover.

Kidd stuff

We selected my two nephews to serve as “beer bearers,” because at ages six and three, they weren’t necessarily trusted to carry rings. That proved prescient, because they veered off course on the way to the altar, and had to be aimed back toward their correct route. In the Western Conference Finals, Mavericks coach Jason Kidd also tried to throw some curveballs at the Warriors, but in both cases, an unpredictable Kidd couldn’t stop us.

Champagne flowed

We had plenty of celebratory champagne, but we made the bold move that we should actually drink the bubbly, instead of spraying each other with it while wearing goggles. Bold, but we think there’s strength in numbers when it comes to toasts.

Ultimately, it was about shot-making

What does my family have in common with the Golden State Warriors backcourt? They take a lot of shots that sometimes seem ill-advised, but that often turns into a wildly exciting experience. But my Irish family does prove that, just like the Boston Celtics backup guard Derrick in Game 1 of the Finals, it can be deadly when Whites are sinking too many shots.